DEAR JABBY AND THE CASE OF THE MISSING MERKIN*
I’m missing my merkin, I think I lost it somewhere between Wisconsin and Florida. Can you help me find it?
Yes. I will take you case. Join me.
A TRUE CASE!
Our investigation took the President and myself on a night time Greyhound Bus trip from Milwaukee to Mar-a-Lago. Why Greyhound? There is much to recommend the bus line, I thought there would be more to this. but the case was cracked wide open when a bat flew out of nowhere from inside of the bus. Everyone’s goes completely mental, yelling, swinging and throwing stuff at it. One hysteric yells, “Suck it up with a vacuum cleaner!”
The old lady across the aisle lying under a blanket kept asking me if I wanted a jalapeño popper and yelled at the President to turn down the music.
Despite the circumstances, the driver won’t stop. He’s a grizzled pro - he’s used to this, and he’s got a Greyhound schedule to keep!
Complete chaos erupts when someone starts screaming, “Don’t let it land in your hair, it’ll lay eggs!!!” A person of weak stomach starts throwing up into a slop bucket. Things are being hurled in every direction at the panic stricken bat, and the driver, hit by the splatter of some unknown liquid, starts swerving the bus, and things are really getting dangerous. Suddenly all the crying, wailing and vomiting suddenly ceases, when woman points at The Donald and exclaims, “The bat’s in yo’ hair!”
With a smile on my face, I authoritatively pipe up, “Mr. President, I think we’ve found your merkin!”
“Yeah, it’s on yo’ head!” quips the pointer, and everyone shares a hearty laugh!
But there’s no time to lose! With razor sharp reflexes, I quickly put a bucket on Trump’s head, trapping the bat. The President proceeds to ride the next 60 miles as a human bat hybrid incubator, till our next stop. When the bucket’s finally removed by Secret Service, a fresh clutch of eggs are discovered in the merkin! Little peeping bats are breaking free of their shells, crying out to their Mommy for fresh blood. Later I am decorated with the Congressional Medal of Honor for my heroic action.
So Greyhound gets a 4 Snap rating from me Gurlfriends because their entertainment was great! They would have gotten a 5 Snap but their wi-fi hot spot didn’t work and there are some things that I just won’t tolerate.